Penelope goes to Harvard . . . or something

Maybe it's because I didn't go to Harvard.   It could be because I'm nerdy and socially awkward, but not in an outwardly noticeable way most of the time.  It might be that I think I understand what friendship is and/or what it means, but I actually do not.  More than likely, it could be because I've never met a man named Gustav - let alone a man named Gustav that sounds suspiciously German and British and goes skiing in Japan for lengthy periods of time.

Whatever the reason, I did not "get" this book.  "This book" being Penelope by Rebecca Harrington.

Anyway, there is no story.  No contractions. Nothing, really.  Well, not nothing.  There was some wit occasionally.  Unless the point of the book was to show that college students (no matter how elitist) have no direction or plot or story, there was nothing to gain from this book.

If Ms. Harrington was attempting to prove that college students are aimless, stunted, self-absorbed, and shallow - she succeeded.

I don't know . . . maybe you'll "get" it and you'll love it and you can tell me to suck it.  As I've stated before, I'm a gal who likes a lesson in her stories.  For that matter, I'm a gal that likes stories in her stories.  

I was obviously nonplussed by this book.  I have very little to say, which is odd.  Soooooo, here I go.  I'm off to read something that is decidedly different from this book.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunting Awesomeness

To begin I will say this:  I am a nerd.  I am history nerd.  I love historical fiction.  If you can write a book that takes place in any time other than the time I've lived in - it is likely that I will at least be mildly entertained by your book.

It is time to review Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Well, the first thing I have to say about this is that these vampires don't sparkle.  Point to you, Mr. Seth Grahame-Smith.  I was reluctant to read this book because I was severely disappointed by the novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  My issue with that novel had a lot to do with the attempt at using Jane Austen's words intertwined with Mr. Grahame-Smith's. (Seth, your name is exhausting.)  

Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter was all Mr. Grahame-Smith's own and it worked WONDERS for him.  Abraham Lincoln is an exceptional character.  This book is written so that the reader has absolutely no reason to think that every event in Honest Abe's life wasn't caused by vampires.  The writing blends historical events, horror and fantasy together seamlessly and keeps the reader wanting to know more about Abe's life. The development of Abe's character through the book and the use of vampires as these terrifying, evil creatures that accounted for every event leading up to and including Abe's assassination was well executed to say the least.

Soft-spoken but eloquent, soft-hearted, smart and sneakily bad ass are all qualities everyone loves in a hero.  Choosing one of the most beloved presidents of our young country's life and altering the story to include society's current love/hate relationship with vampires was genius. Then, using sympathy/empathy (depending on what has happened to the reader in their lifetime) for the losses in Abe's young life to make the reader even more attached to him and to pave the way for a million readers to be on Abe's side when he starts hunting was phenomenal.  I was completely on his side after what happened to his mother and then to his first love.  As a matter of fact, I was halfway out to the garage to see if we had a hatchet or, at the very least, a large hammer when I remembered I couldn't jump into the pages of the book to assist Abe on his hunts.  Even if I could jump through the pages, I considered that I am terribly out of shape and I get winded taking the stairs.  I don't know how much help I would have been . . . 

Mr. G-S (I give up on your name, Seth) does character development like no other.  He also entices growth and a new level of understanding in his readers along with his characters.  Abe was set on hating and killing all vampires and I was right there with him.  I was right there with him until we meet Henry Sturges.  Henry ends up being Abe's mentor and lifelong friend.  He also provides the ancient wisdom that blind hatred for all people of a certain race, religion or persuasion is the most backward and ineffective way of moving through life.  The explanation of how Henry came to be a vampire and his choice to eventually live his eternal life helping mankind survive throws a rather large wrench into Abe's plan to kill all vampires.  Henry wasn't born a vampire and didn't choose to become one.  Much like people do not choose the color of their skin - which brings us full circle to having Abe end slavery.  Henry explains that "we all may deserve hell, but some sooner  than others."  This quotation not only makes the reader reconsider their feelings toward vampires along with Abe, but it also requires the reader to think about all people/animals/mythical creatures.   If you choose to believe there is a god and in Abe's case you choose to believe in the Christian god, you have to consider the fact that all people make mistakes, sin and ultimately deserve hell on the surface.  You have to consider what a person is as a whole and really get to know them before deciding that one identifying factor determines whether the good outweighs the evil in a person.

Mr. G-S uses this book, in my opinion, to compare slavery to vampire-ism in the version of history without actual vampires.  Choosing a group of people who bleed, breathe and live the same as you do and considering them to be so low that sucking the life out of them is acceptable is heinous whether it is done by fictional vampires draining the blood from a person or by those that came before us who stole the life of slaves by whip, noose, starvation, etc.  This book serves as a way to teach the monstrosities that have occurred in our history when we attempt to hate an entire group of people for nothing more than the color of their skin.  Mr. G-S even brings the story full circle at the end and presents another time in history when white people in United States attempted to portray black people as beneath them and undeserving of the same life they enjoy.  The fact that vampires could explain all of these occurrences is a unique version of history that some people, like me, wish was the true version.

I want to ruin the ending for you because it is amazing, but I won't.  Please read this book and enjoy the horror, action and history.

P.S.  The best thing about this book of all is that it most certainly is not anything like 50 Shades of Grey.  You're welcome.

50 Shades of Grotesque

I thought I’d do my first review over a best seller that is sweeping the nation – possibly nations.  Brace yourselves for something terrible.  I give to you my review of Fifty Shades of Grey.

The best description of this book that I’ve ever heard remains “It’s like reading a really bad blog.”  (Thank you, Bethany Cecil.  When I couldn’t find the words she could.)  

Now, I will do my best to explain why I find this hugely popular book to be a travesty of the greatest proportion.  Of all the love stories out there – even those of the soft core porn variety – you chose this horrifically written monstrosity as the book to become enamored with, society?  My disappointment in mankind is immeasurable.  There are so many phenomenal books out there and authors who deserve your support and admiration.  I apologize, but E.L. James is not one of these authors.  

Sex is sexy.  I get it.  Men have Playboys and women have raunchy romance novels.   I like something a little spicy in my life, too.  However, if I’m going to spend hours reading pages upon pages of the written word there needs to be a story.  There needs to be a plot, character development and - if the work has been published - I would prefer it didn’t have blatant grammatical errors.  Trust me – you can get your soft core fix and a beautifully written story if you look hard enough.

I’m not going to lie to you – I only read to page 187.   I tried so very hard to finish this book but when I read the words: 

“For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweatpants, and a T-shirt,” (p. 187) 

I decided I’d reached my tipping point.  Those are likely in the running for the two most horribly written and useless sentences in the history of mankind.  Also, why are your shoes nasty if you've never used them?  There is a bigger problem with your life than signing over your freedom to a mentally unstable man and being referred to as 'the submissive' for the foreseeable future - if your shoes are disgusting and you've never worn them.

Everyone kept telling me to just keep reading and I would really start to care about the characters and their love story.  How long am I supposed to wait to care about the characters??  If I don’t care about anyone – at all – in the book by chapter twelve wouldn’t you say there is a PROBLEM??  I should have done a little more research before committing to reading this book because if I had learned before starting that this book was inspired by Twilight I would have known it to be the huge disappointment that it is before opening to the first page.  I blame myself, really.

Sorry – onto the actual reviewing part of this book.

The first thing that bothered me was, well, the entire first chapter.  So many commas haphazardly thrown about . . . and why does curly hair always have to be unmanageable in novels?  I know lots of people with very manageable curls.  That’s more of a personal thing, though and not a blatantly terrible thing for an author to write.  What is blatantly terrible is calling the best friend’s Mercedes “the Merc”.  Also, the conversations between EVERYONE are unbelievable, unimportant and therefore unreadable.  Once you get past the first chapter and you learn more about Mr. Grey and Miss Steele the more horrifying the writing gets.  I can’t think of a single more disgusting or immature way to refer to a woman’s vagina than as her “sex”.  

The further into the book you get the more you realize that the only thing this book is kind of good for is the sex.  Well, it's good for the sex if you know nothing about sex.  The characters are unlikeable.  The relationships between characters are absurd and would never survive in reality.  The worst character of all is the main character – much like the main character in Twilight.  My issues with Miss Steele are as follows: 

       1.  She has an extreme lack of self-confidence 
        2.  She has had apparently ZERO sex education even though she’s in her twenties (do not misunderstand me – I have nothing against virginal women but I do have something against ignorant women who become entangled in sadistic sexual relationships)
     3.  She forgives her male best friend for sexually assaulting her
     4.  She agrees to sign a contract that allows a man to basically own her AND beat her 
     5.    In just the 187 pages I read it was blatantly obvious that this was a girl who would just completely fall apart at the seams should this man who has shown her ONLY lust and NOT love leave her.  Outside of sadistic sex with Mr. Grey this is a girl who has nothing going for her.  This shows an obvious lack of self-worth and is another instance in popular (terrible, but popular) literature where a woman is portrayed as someone who absolutely cannot function without a man.  What were these feminists working toward all these years?  What decade is this?  Only in the 21^st century can women take roughly 3,000 steps backward in maturity and self awareness and still think that they’ve matured and moved forward because there is sadistic sex involved.  I guess it doesn’t matter if women are seen as useless, unintelligent, childlike and submissive in every way as long as they are getting laid but good.   

      I recently read a magazine article that suggested there is something wrong with society when people are OK with a book about teenagers killing each other but have issues with a book about sex.  I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be the badass lady from Hunger Games who fights for what’s right in a dystopian post-apocalyptic world than a submissive twat who signs a contract that allows a single man to beat the shit out of her for his own pleasure because she can’t imagine a life without him.  Oh and just so we’re clear – I’d also like to point out the stark difference between a made-up dangerous world that promotes behaviors that people obviously don’t expect to emulate in their real life and the dangerous real world that is portrayed in 50 Shades that encourages young women to be tortured for a good lay and believe there's nothing wrong with it.  

OH!  I almost forgot – why, Miss Steele, are you consistently wearing your hair in pigtails?  Why are we reinforcing the idea that it is OK to be attracted to a woman because she looks like a little girl, E.L.?  I find this to be creepy in a kid-toucher mustache type of way.  And what woman wants the man she’s with to be attracted to the six year old version of herself? 

I can’t believe there are three of these books . . . 

Since I stopped at page 187, I will allow this website continue to sum up the horridness of this book for me:  http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/

The Beginning

I devour books.  I am known to get a new book and read it in a couple of days.  I’m constantly searching for books I’ve never read.

I prefer classics (or anything to do with civil rights/slavery - I love when a person overcomes astronomical adversity and keeps on winning).  I will read and re-read Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chaucer and Jane Austen.  I think this stems from my being a literature major (literature does not equal grammar - so forgive any grammatical errors).

Despite my preference being classics, I read contemporary literature just as often.  I’m forever regaling my friends with obscure references to books they’ve never read or debating the quality of books we’ve all read.

This being the case, a friend of mine suggested I review books and blog about them.  This is done in the hopes that you’ll see something you like and read with renewed vigor.

In no way should you expect this blog to be unbiased.  I am opinionated and hard headed, but love a good natured debate that opens my eyes to differing viewpoints.

Read, discuss and enjoy!